Hello again, it's been so long. I have no idea where to begin, or end. 3,000 miles is draining, to say the least. I feel so far from you, it is almost unbearable. I can not wait for the day you come home. I wish I would have some money saved for when you arrived, but I know that won't happen. You need every dollar I sweat for. I do not resent you for it, but I most assuredly hate and resent everyone else. I have become bitter. I feel weathered. My mind is clouded. I have always had to fight my spiteful nature. Really, I was always spiteful, I was just passive-aggressive about it most of the time. Most often, it hurt me worse than whom I intended it to, didn't it? I do feel that I have every right to smoke as much of my weed as I goddamn please. Of course I'll save some for when you get home, of that there is no doubt, but I'm beginning to feel like a blunt or two will suffice. I did send you money specifically to buy weed, and you, along with those fucking cretins, smoked it all, right? So I can smoke what I managed to get my hands on, and I shouldn't feel bad about it. MY GOD I AM SHAKING FROM ALL OF THIS RAGE. I want to vow that despite anything it may take, I want to watch each and every one of them die by my own hands. HAHAHAHAHAhaaaa*sobs* Tell me how despicable I am. I already know, but I want to hear it. I have, and am still, doing everything within my power to fix this. It kind of feels like you are letting them just SHIT all over me though. I can't blame you. I won't let myself. I am terrible. I do not want to put my anger on you. I do not want to put the blame on your head, and I would never want to make you feel worse. It feels almost unfair that I cannot come out directly to you when I am in such dire need of your strength. I must be my own source, for I can not drain you of it. I remember you asking me to be strong, for you. So how could I possibly imagine telling you just how much this hurts when you already know? Or, I feel more importantly, how could I tell you what I really think about all of this? YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST LET ME FUCKING BRING YOU BACK BEFORE THAT GODDAMN ID EXPIRED. Idiot.. I love you. I love you, I love you. I am being sapped of my will though. I can not sustain this for much longer. I AM WAITING TO BE ABLE TO BREATH AGAIN. I AM WAITING FOR MY HEART TO BEGIN TO BEAT. I am waiting for you to return to me.. Never again will I let you leave my side. Too many times has it proven to be only harmful and counter-productive. We could have had a car by the end of this year if you never went there. But if I had made you stay, would you not have resented me for it? Would you? How can I be expected to remain when everything rests upon my shoulders? I am a weakling in the face of this monstrosity I have been placed before. How is it I am always the one expected to remain standing, to push forward? I simply can not bear this for much longer.. I am crying out for you. Do you hear me? I try so hard. I scream for you. Do you hear me? I reach for you. Can you feel me? Or am I calling upon deaf ears? | 
