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XxDemonGurl7787xX
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Name: Jessica
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Gender: Female


Interests: Anything and everything.
Expertise: Being terrible at life.
Industry: Psyko Cherry Productions.


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Member Since: 11/26/2004

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Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Hello again, it's been so long.

I have no idea where to begin, or end.

3,000 miles is draining, to say the least. I feel so far from you, it is almost unbearable. I can not wait for the day you come home. I wish I would have some money saved for when you arrived, but I know that won't happen. You need every dollar I sweat for. I do not resent you for it, but I most assuredly hate and resent everyone else. I have become bitter. I feel weathered. My mind is clouded.

I have always had to fight my spiteful nature. Really, I was always spiteful, I was just passive-aggressive about it most of the time. Most often, it hurt me worse than whom I intended it to, didn't it? I do feel that I have every right to smoke as much of my weed as I goddamn please. Of course I'll save some for when you get home, of that there is no doubt, but I'm beginning to feel like a blunt or two will suffice. I did send you money specifically to buy weed, and you, along with those fucking cretins, smoked it all, right? So I can smoke what I managed to get my hands on, and I shouldn't feel bad about it.

MY GOD I AM SHAKING FROM ALL OF THIS RAGE.

I want to vow that despite anything it may take, I want to watch each and every one of them die by my own hands. HAHAHAHAHAhaaaa*sobs*

Tell me how despicable I am. I already know, but I want to hear it. I have, and am still, doing everything within my power to fix this. It kind of feels like you are letting them just SHIT all over me though. I can't blame you. I won't let myself. I am terrible. I do not want to put my anger on you. I do not want to put the blame on your head, and I would never want to make you feel worse.

It feels almost unfair that I cannot come out directly to you when I am in such dire need of your strength. I must be my own source, for I can not drain you of it.

I remember you asking me to be strong, for you. So how could I possibly imagine telling you just how much this hurts when you already know? Or, I feel more importantly, how could I tell you what I really think about all of this?

YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST LET ME FUCKING BRING YOU BACK BEFORE THAT GODDAMN ID EXPIRED. Idiot..

I love you.

I love you, I love you.

I am being sapped of my will though. I can not sustain this for much longer.

I AM WAITING TO BE ABLE TO BREATH AGAIN.

I AM WAITING FOR MY HEART TO BEGIN TO BEAT.

I am waiting for you to return to me..

Never again will I let you leave my side. Too many times has it proven to be only harmful and counter-productive.

We could have had a car by the end of this year if you never went there. But if I had made you stay, would you not have resented me for it?

Would you?

 

How can I be expected to remain when everything rests upon my shoulders?

I am a weakling in the face of this monstrosity I have been placed before.

How is it I am always the one expected to remain standing, to push forward?

I simply can not bear this for much longer..

I am crying out for you. Do you hear me? I try so hard. I scream for you. Do you hear me? I reach for you. Can you feel me?

Or am I calling upon deaf ears?


Monday, June 27, 2011

Have I really lost?

Is this really an end?

Been thinkin' a lot. Really should get back into writing.. I think it might keep me a bit sharper. As for now though.. I'm without. Over the past few days I have been watching everything collapse around me, in slow-motion.

I am but one human, standing, arms spread, attempting to hold up the entire city. I will be crushed by the towering figures...

And then what? Where do I go from here? The homeless shelter? hah. Monroe, and lose my job? Where is it? What happened to the security I felt. That pure feeling of 'everything is going to be alright, it just takes time'. Time, you've betrayed me. Or was it me..who betrayed me?

Am I blind? Did I just not see? I was headed here all along. I probably could have avoided it.. but I didn't know. I'll die if I don't get out of here. I'm so close to having lost everything. "What do I do now?!" I'll scream. Pour my heart out of my eyes and onto the ground. How disgusting.

But really, what's left? I am not ready! Why now, what now? I am lost!

Through and through he's all I've got left. What'll I do when he's not here? I've got to get out before that happens..we've got to get out together.

That's all that can help us now, right? You said it, too.

Be strong. Breathe. Be strong- how?

So, what do I do now?


Friday, March 25, 2011

Escape to a place I can rest my mind.

It's been a very long time.. and, once again, I'll neglect to really go into an detail on anything that's been going on.

I've been wondering if getting back into this, back in to writing, if it will help me think clearer. See my thoughts, ya know? I just went back and read a few pages of entries and it kind of shocks me.

In most of those I was talking about one person. That one person means everything to me, and has since we met. I've been writing about him since we met (haha) and I can see all the phases of our relationship. He's got my heart, and my entity. Heh..thinking about it makes me miss him.

There may be a period where I write a lot on here, and it's all out of missing him if he's gone.

 

This isn't going how I thought it would...

In any case, I've found this place to be a black hole, slowly sucking you in until you cannot escape it's grasp and you slowly and miserably cease to be.

I can't let that happen...I have to find a way out..


Saturday, March 20, 2010

I can honestly say,

that everyday I see more and more just how much I love you.




You are my everything.


Sunday, February 21, 2010

Well hello there,

So, once again I've neglected xanga like a dumpster baby.
But, I'm still alive, and back to make a quick update.

I've had internet at my house for the equivalent of 2-3 months last year, and I'm currently stealing it from neighbors, haha.

Here's the news:
I'm being evicted and will be homeless as of Tuesday (this sucks.)
I am now engaged (this is win!)
:D

So, if anyone happens to read this:
What's up with you?


---
I'm sad to see my background picture is no longer there.
Unfortunately, I don't think I ever saved it to anything of mine. D: That depresses me.



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